I love babies. Doesn't everyone? At this time in my life now that the holidays are over and the next big thing in my life is the arrival of our new little one, I have been pondering. It really is much easier being Aunt than it is being mom. These sweet little girls I could cuddle and wuddle and when they got to be too fussy I could hand them back to momma. I am now getting worried about my little one. Having not planned this one, and being in surreal mode, what will life be like when you can't give them back. With these sweet babies I was calm and not stressed out. I still had a bit of sleep deprivation but nothing compared to getting up for hours in the middle of the night. I know what most of you may be saying you have done this before and you can do it again. Well that may be true but you don't know what things I am feeling nor could I actually get it on paper really. There are pluses and minuses to having more and not having more. Plus -you can hold them whenever you want and your kids can hold them whenever you want. Minus- All babies get fussy and that is tough at times. Also I am feeling a bit resentful towards Primary. I want to enjoy this baby and give he/she, me. That is hard to do when you have something that encompasses your life so much. Primary may not always be physical but it is always something you have to think about and worry about. I didn't answer my phone at all yesterday because I didn't want to get back to that reality. I really am in a predicament huh?? I really have enjoyed being pregnant-with exception to 1st trimester. I hate to think it will end because then the hard part starts. I still have so many things to do and I want to act like Primary doesn't exist. I am sure that makes me the just a horrible person. Maybe a blessing, that might help with such an attitude. I read back on this and it sounds like I don't want to have a baby. On the contrary. I do its every thing else that I don't want to do. YOu add all those other I don't want to do's and it drags down the I do want to do.
3 comments:
Dana, you need to be released girly. If you are over-whelmed then you need to bow out gracefully. I can't wait to see that new little Porritt baby. You are such a great mom! I understand the nervousness involved with another little one though. They tend to put a spin on an already well-oil routine. Just get past the first six weeks or so and you will be fine. I love you and can't wait to hold your little one.
You need to be released. If you are dreading Church that much you need to be released.
Oh Dana, I just had to comment on this one because I DO know what you're feeling. I was faced with the same tug-of-war inside during most of my last pregnancy. Of course it was only my 5th (maybe it's all relative?), but absolutely unexpected and so quick on the tails of #4. I certainly know the feeling of holy crap, this is a permanent change in our lives and can I do it and teach everyone properly and keep up with everything else with church and school etc etc...? It took me months and months before I could even picture the whole idea. At the same time you know that it's a sweet baby straight from heaven coming to you for a reason--and there's nothing like a baby, so you feel guilty for feeling reluctant because once it's here you know you'll fall in love and life will be what it is and you wouldn't go back! You know if you can just get there it'll probably be okay, but in the meantime, it's a total emotional rollercoaster. I'm feeling for you!! When are you due? Hang in there.
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